As you embark on the exciting journey toward marriage, countless details demand your attention. Yet, amidst the whirlwind of planning, there’s an often-overlooked conversation that deserves a place at the forefront: questions about sex.
Asking questions about sex before marriage might feel unfamiliar at first, but it’s the foundation for establishing a practice of communication that will serve you throughout your relationship. By openly discussing desires, expectations, and any anxieties, you create a space for mutual understanding and emotional intimacy. This early investment in communication lays the groundwork for a lifetime of trust, connection, and sexual fulfillment in your marriage.
In this article, we’ll discover why having conversations about sex before marriage can pay lasting dividends, and we’ll explore 20 of the most pressing sex questions to ask your partner before marriage.
Benefits of Sex and Intimacy for Relationships
Sexual intimacy is often seen as a purely physical act within romantic relationships. However, recent research reveals a surprising truth: sexual intimacy is deeply connected to our emotional well-being and overall relationship satisfaction. This powerful connection goes beyond the physical, influencing us on biological, psychological, and social levels. Let’s explore just a few of the key benefits of healthy sexual intimacy for couples.
- Stronger Emotional Bonds: During sex, your brain releases a potent mix of hormones, including oxytocin, which fuels emotional bonding and strengthens the sense of connection between partners.
- Greater Happiness and Marital Satisfaction: Several studies with thousands of participants across the US have shown that sex is associated with happiness and relationship satisfaction. Both the quantity and quality of sex contribute to greater life satisfaction, with those having no sexual partners reporting the lowest happiness levels.
- Improved Emotional Well-being: The positive emotions and physical release associated with sex can have a profound impact on your mood, reducing stress and promoting greater resilience in facing life’s challenges.
- Reduced Stress and Enhanced Resilience: Intimacy within a loving relationship creates a sense of security and belonging. This powerful bond helps couples to better navigate stressful situations, resulting in a greater sense of well-being and satisfaction.
Why You Should Talk About Sex Before Marriage
Premarital conversations about sex can having lasting benefits for couples. Sex and intimacy related issues are common in marriage, as sexual desire ebbs and flows, and challenges like stress, health issues, or life changes (like starting a family) can strain intimacy and connection. By addressing these topics head-on before marriage, couples build a toolkit for navigating sexual hurdles, fostering resilience and adaptability throughout their marriage. Here are a few ways asking sex questions before marriage has been shown to benefit couples:
- Managing Expectations: Unrealistic expectations around sex can be a major source of disappointment in marriage. Open discussions help couples align their expectations, preventing future resentment and misunderstanding.
- Addressing Sexual Rejection: Discussing how to handle feelings of sexual rejection in your marriage can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings in the future.
- Building Communication Skills: Talking about difficult or sensitive topics fosters essential communication skills crucial for navigating future challenges and evolving needs within the relationship.
- Understanding Compatibility: Discussions reveal potential areas of compatibility, or significant differences in desires, libidos, and expectations surrounding sex. This allows couples to make informed decisions or seek support in bridging any gaps before entering a lifelong commitment.
- Cultivating Trust and Intimacy: Vulnerability is the birthplace of intimacy. Being open with your partner about sex before marriage promotes emotional closeness and a safe space to address concerns, strengthening your bond.
- Empowering Your Relationship: Research supports the effectiveness of premarital interventions and relationship education programs. Such programs often include communication tools, discussions around intimacy, and intimacy exercises which couples can adapt to tailor to their specific needs.
The following list of questions offers a starting point for these important conversations. Approach them with curiosity, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s perspective. Within this honest and vulnerable space, you build the foundation for a truly satisfying and deeply connected marriage.
20 Sex Questions to Ask before Marriage
1. What does sex mean to you?
Open communication about your emotional connection to sex strengthens your bond and fosters intimacy. This conversation helps you understand how your partner views sex, whether it’s about connection, pleasure, or something else entirely.
Follow-up Questions:
- Was there a time that you felt truly connected to me (or a past partner) during intimacy? What made that time different?
- Is there a difference for you between having sex and making love?
- Are there any spiritual or emotional aspects of sex that are important to you?
2. How have your past experiences with intimacy shaped your feelings about sex today?
Understanding how your partner’s past experiences shape their current view of sex helps you build a more compassionate and supportive relationship. This isn’t about judging past experiences, but understanding how they might shape your views on intimacy today.
Follow-up Questions:
- Are there any positive experiences from your past that you’d like to bring into our relationship?
- Have you found it takes time to feel comfortable with someone new, or are you generally open to intimacy quickly?
- Is there anything from your past you’re still working to heal from?
3. How important is physical intimacy to you, and what are your expectations around frequency?
Talking openly about expectations about the frequency of physical intimacy prevents disappointment and helps to build trust. Discuss how much importance you each place on sex in a relationship, and what a realistic intimacy rhythm might look like.
Follow-up Questions:
- Do you believe our sex life will look different at various points in our lives? How can we talk about that?
- If our desire levels don’t match, how can we find ways to make sure both of our needs feel met?
- Are there ways besides sexual intercourse that we can stay physically connected?
4. What excites you sexually (i.e. turn-ons)? What are your turn-offs?
Sharing preferences in a fun and open way helps you discover new possibilities and respect each other’s boundaries.
Follow-up Questions:
- Do you prefer taking the lead, being led, or something more collaborative during intimacy?
- Is there a difference between what turns you on in the moment and what sparks your longer-term desires?
- Are there any fantasies or scenarios you’d like to explore?
5. How should we navigate sexual consent in our relationship?
Consent is absolutely essential! Making sure you’re on the same page about giving and withdrawing consent builds trust and creates a safe space for intimacy.
Follow-up Questions:
- How do you usually indicate when you’re interested in being intimate?
- Are there any non-verbal signals we should agree on to communicate both enthusiasm and hesitation?
- How do you prefer to be told ‘no’ in a way that feels respectful but clear?
6. How do you feel about pornography?
Explore each other’s understanding and exposure to pornography in the past, and how pornography might impact expectations about sex in the relationship.
Follow-up Questions:
- If you watch pornography, does it influence your expectations in the bedroom? Why or why not?
- Are there any types of pornography that you prefer? Are there any types that make you uncomfortable? How can we talk about that?
7. Are you open to exploring the use of sex toys (or, more generally, trying new things together) during intimacy?
Exploring new things together can be exciting! Find out if you’re both open to experimenting with toys and trying new things to enhance your sexual relationship.
Follow-up Questions:
- Are there any types of sex toys that interest or intrigue you?
- Is there anything new you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet had the chance to experience?
- Are there any sexual activities you’re certain you wouldn’t enjoy?
8. How do you define monogamy, and is that what you expect in our relationship?
Be clear about your expectations for exclusivity within your relationship. This is essential for building trust and security.
Follow-up Questions:
- Is monogamy something you’ve always practiced in relationships, or have you explored other options?
9. Are you open to having children? If so, what are your thoughts on birth control and family planning?
Discuss your hopes and dreams for the future, including whether children are a part of the picture and what your thoughts are on family planning. This avoids major surprises down the road.
Follow-up Questions:
- How many children do you see yourself having, if any? Is that a hard number, or are you flexible?
- How would we handle the situation if one of us changed our minds about having children?
- What are your preferred methods of birth control, and are you open to exploring options together?
10. How will we handle potential changes in sexual desire throughout our relationship?
Open communication is key! Discuss how you’ll navigate changes in desire over time, whether caused by stress, life events, or natural fluctuations. This fosters support and resilience.
Follow-up Questions:
- Do you believe that maintaining a passionate sex life requires effort? What would that look like for us?
- How important is it to prioritize sex, even during times when one or both of us aren’t particularly in the mood?
- What are some non-sexual ways we could maintain intimacy during dips in desire?
11. Do you have any questions or concerns about your (or my) sexual health?
Talking openly about sexual health builds trust and helps you make informed choices. Discuss any history of STIs, sexual dysfunction, or reproductive issues.
Follow-up Questions:
- Have you ever been tested for STIs? If so, when was the last time, and would you be open to getting tested together?
- Are there any medications you take that might impact your sex drive?
- Are there any questions about sexual health that you feel too embarrassed to ask your doctor?
12. How do you see us growing or evolving our sexual intimacy over time?
Keeping your sex life exciting takes conscious effort. Discussing shared willingness to experiment, learn, and evolve together prevents stagnation and builds ongoing intimacy.
Follow-up Questions:
- Are you interested in learning about different sexual techniques or positions?
- Are there ways we can incorporate more romance and emotional intimacy into our lovemaking?
- Would you be interested in reading books or taking workshops about sex together?
13. Are there any sexual fantasies you’d like to explore together?
Sharing fantasies, even those you may never act on, builds intimacy and reveals hidden desires.
Follow-up Questions:
- Are there roles you like to play out in fantasy (e.g taking the lead or being more submissive?)
- Do you like the idea of costumes or themed scenarios?
- How important is it to actually act out fantasies compared to just talking about them?
14. How do you feel about setting boundaries around certain sexual acts or practices?
Exploring boundaries creates a safe and enjoyable sexual space for both partners. Be open about things you’re comfortable with and what’s off-limits, both hard boundaries and preferences.
Follow-up Questions:
- Are there any sexual acts you definitively would never want to try?
- Are there things you’re curious about but hesitant to initiate?
- How would you like me to communicate if something crosses a boundary for me?
15. Do you have any expectations around sexual performance?
Open communication can alleviate unspoken pressures and anxieties. Discuss expectations around how often you should have sex, how long it “should” last, and how much focus to place on orgasm.
Follow-up Questions:
- Do you have any worries about being able to sexually satisfy me?
- Do you place pressure on yourself to perform in a certain way?
- How can I help you feel relaxed and enjoy yourself?
16. How important is orgasm to you, and how do you achieve satisfaction?
Understanding how you and your partner view orgasms is crucial for a fulfilling sex life. Talking openly about this helps you understand how to best support each other’s needs and desires.
Follow-up Questions:
- Do you always need or want to reach orgasm during sex?
- Do you need specific stimulation or techniques to achieve orgasm?
- Have you ever struggled to orgasm during sex? What factors might have influenced this?
17. How do you envision integrating sex into a busy lifestyle with work and potential children?
Life gets hectic! Discussing how you’ll maintain a fulfilling sex life as responsibilities change fosters healthy communication and sets realistic expectations.
Follow-up Questions:
- How do you think our sex life might shift when we have a busy schedule?
- What are ways we can signal to each other that we’re in the mood for intimacy?
- Would you be open to scheduling time for sex as part of our routine?
18. How can we support each other’s intimacy needs during difficult times like stress, illness, or major life changes?
Life isn’t always smooth sailing. Be open to discussing how your needs and wants might shift due to challenges, and how you can best support each other through these periods.
Follow-up Questions:
- Are there non-sexual ways we can maintain closeness when sex isn’t on the table?
- How would you like me to approach physical intimacy if you’re feeling stressed or unwell?
- Do you think our intimacy needs will change significantly during pregnancy or after having a baby?
19. How do you feel about seeking professional help if we face sexual challenges?
Be open to seeking expert support if needed. Sexual dysfunction is common, yet many couples suffer in silence. Normalize reaching out to a sex therapist or counselor for help if needed.
Follow-up Questions:
- What might make it feel more comfortable to seek professional help, if that becomes necessary?
- Do you feel that it would be a sign of failure if we needed therapy for our sex life, or just a proactive step in our relationship?
- Are there specific types of therapists or counselors you’d be interested in seeing?
20. How comfortable are you sharing your feelings about sex, especially if something needs to change?
Open and honest communication is essential for a fulfilling sex life. Discuss how comfortable you are sharing both positive and negative feelings related to sex
Follow-up Questions:
- Can you give me an example of how you might give me constructive feedback about something in the bedroom?
- Is there a time of day or setting that feels safest for you to have these conversations?
- How would you want me to respond if you share something difficult about our sex life?
Tips for Asking Premarital Sex Questions
Creating a safe, non-judgmental space for open conversations about sex before getting married is one of the most important things a couple can do for one another. Remember, the goal is to explore each other’s desires, needs, and boundaries with respect and curiosity at the forefront. Here are some tips to guide you through these important conversations:
- Choose the Right Setting: Pick a private and calm environment where you can both relax and focus on each other. Avoid distractions (phones off!) and choose a time when you’re both mentally and emotionally present.
- Lead with Love & Respect: Frame these conversations as an expression of love and a desire to build a strong foundation for intimacy. Emphasize that you’re creating a safe space for honest and non-judgmental communication.
- Listen and Validate: Active listening is key. Make eye contact with your partner, and acknowledge their feelings, even if you disagree. Use “I” statements and validate their perspective.
- Expect Some Awkwardness: It’s normal to feel some initial awkwardness when discussing intimate topics. Laughter can help ease tension. sitting close together, holding hands and showing gentle physical affection during the conversation can also be helpful to open the doors to talking about this sensitive topic. Acknowledge the discomfort if you’re feeling it to prevent potential misunderstandings, and keep the focus on maintaining open communication.
- Communication is Ongoing: Don’t view asking premarital sex questions as one-time conversations. Your sexual needs and preferences may change over time. Make a conscious choice to revisit these topics regularly and check-in with each other about how your sexual connection is evolving.
Books on Sex to Read Before Marriage
Reading books before marriage can deepen your conversations and spark new dialogues, especially about sex. These resources provide different perspectives and can help you tackle difficult topics that are essential for building a healthy sexual connection. Don’t feel pressured to agree fully with everything you read – use these books as starting points to explore what works best for you and your partner. Here are a few highly recommended options that delve into some of the more challenging, but important, topics about sex that couples should discuss before getting married:
- Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski delves into the science of female sexuality, offering valuable insights and tools for both men and women to understand women’s bodies and desires.
- Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel explores the tension between security and desire in long-term relationships, offering insightful strategies for keeping passion alive.
Final Words
Asking your partner questions about sex before getting married may feel daunting at first, but these conversations are an incredible investment in the long-term health and happiness of your relationship. By prioritizing open communication, vulnerability, and respect, you and your partner are laying the groundwork for an intimate connection that will deepen with time. Remember, the goal isn’t to have all the answers, but to create a shared understanding of each other’s desires, needs, and expectations.
Embrace these opportunities to learn, grow, and strengthen your bond. Approaching sex questions before marriage with open-hearted curiosity and a commitment to mutual satisfaction will empower you to build a relationship where intimacy is a source of joy, connection, and lasting fulfillment.
