75 Relationship Check-In Questions for Couples and How To Use Them to Build Intimacy

by | Last updated Apr 17, 2024

Relationships require ongoing effort to thrive. Whether you’ve been together for six months or six decades, prioritizing your connection is vital to both individual happiness and the overall success of the partnership. That’s where relationship check-ins questions come into play.

Relationship check-in questions may sound a bit formal, but it doesn’t have to be. These intentional conversations create a dedicated time and space for you and your partner to honestly assess how things are going. From celebrating wins to addressing challenges, check in questions for couples offer a chance to reconnect, resolve potential issues before they become major roadblocks, and actively plan the future you want to build together.

This article will guide you through everything you need to know about couples check in questions: what they are, why they matter, and how to get the most out of them to build a stronger relationship.

BEFORE YOU CONTINUE: I recommend downloading my free Relationship Check-In Contract & Questions PDF. This simple tool provides a framework to establish clear expectations around your check-ins, and includes a complete list of relationship check-in questions to use as a reference during your check-in conversations.

Download the Contract

Basics of Relationship Check-In Questions

What is a relationship check-in?

A relationship check-in is a structured conversation dedicated to intentionally assessing the health and well-being of your partnership. It involves stepping away from your daily routines to honestly evaluate your connection, discuss challenges, celebrate wins, and proactively plan for the future.

How often should you discuss couples check-in questions?

The ideal frequency depends on your individual relationship needs and stage. Many couples find weekly or monthly check-ins beneficial. For others, short daily check-ins might be a better fit. The key is finding a sustainable rhythm that allows for consistent, meaningful connection.

  • The Daily Mini Check-In: Supplement your deeper check-ins with short, lighthearted daily questions to maintain connection throughout the week.
  • The Weekly Check-In: Many couples find a weekly check-in a good starting point. It provides regular connection time without being overly demanding.
  • The Monthly Deep Dive: If weekly feels too frequent, start with monthly check-ins for broader goal-setting and reflection.

When to Have Your Relationship Check-Ins

While there’s no single “right” time, choosing the right moments for your check-ins can significantly impact their effectiveness. The most important thing is finding a time that promotes a sense of calm, focused attention where you can truly connect with your partner. Consider these factors:

  • Weekday vs. Weekend: Some couples find weekday evenings work well, allowing them to connect after work has wound down. Others prefer weekends when they have more spaciousness and time to relax. Finally, the recent growth of couples working from home has created a new opportunity for morning or mid-day relationship check-ins, making productive use of short breaks from work. Experiment to find what suits you best.
  • Spontaneous vs. Scheduled: While scheduling your check-ins helps ensure they actually happen, don’t be afraid of a spontaneous check-in if the moment feels right. If you’re both feeling open and connected, seize the opportunity!
  • Be Adaptable: Your ideal check-in time might shift depending on your schedule or life circumstances. Be flexible and willing to adjust as needed.

Will talking about problems lead to conflict?

While it might seem counterintuitive, avoiding difficult conversations can be detrimental to relationships in the long run. Research has shown that unresolved issues and suppressed emotions can lead to resentment, emotional disconnection, and even relationship breakdown. Check-ins create a safe, designated space to share your experiences and vulnerabilities, fostering deeper trust and intimacy.

4 benefits of relationship check-in questions

Benefits of Relationship Check-In Questions

Relationship check-ins aren’t just a nice idea; they offer numerous tangible benefits backed by science. Here’s a deeper look at how they can transform your connection:

  • Deeper connection and understanding: Check-ins are designed to facilitate open, honest communication. Through sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, you gain valuable insight into your partner’s inner world, fostering greater empathy and understanding.
  • Improved communication skills: Relationship check-ins create an opportunity to practice healthy communication techniques (like reflective listening). You’ll learn how to express your needs respectfully, listen actively without defensiveness, and collaborate to find solutions together. These skills are essential for navigating not just challenges but also for deepening your connection during positive times.
  • Building trust and security: Consistent, open communication cultivates trust and a sense of security within the relationship. When you know you have a designated space to share your vulnerabilities and work through difficulties together, it reinforces the belief that your partner is a safe haven and a source of support.
  • Proactive problem-solving: Small conflicts or miscommunications have the potential to become major hurdles if left unaddressed. Check-ins allow you to identify potential issues early and work proactively to resolve them, preventing resentment and promoting a sense of collaboration.
  • Creates a stronger sense of partnership: In the busyness of daily life, the “couple” identity can sometimes get lost. Check-ins reaffirm that your relationship is a priority. They’re a time to discuss shared goals, dreams, and work together as a team to build the future you envision.

Science Behind Couples Check-In Questions

Studies have shown numerous benefits stemming from the intentional communication and connection of relationship check-ins.

Emotional Responsiveness

Attachment theory explores the ways our early childhood bonds with caregivers shape our expectations in adult relationships. Secure attachment is characterized by trust, responsiveness, and the belief that your partner will be there for you. Check-ins are an opportunity to practice the responsiveness that strengthens your attachment bond. By actively listening, offering support, and validating your partner’s feelings, you foster a sense of emotional security that translates into a stronger relationship overall.

Stress Reduction

A wealth of research demonstrates that strong social support can act as a buffer against the negative impacts of stress. When you know you have someone to lean on during tough times, your body’s stress response is less likely to go into overdrive. Check-ins provide a dedicated time to share worries, offer reassurance, and feel the support of your partner. This can significantly reduce stress levels and promote individual well-being, which in turn benefits the health of your relationship.

The Neuroscience of Connection

When we feel emotionally connected, our brains release a cocktail of “feel-good” chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. These neurotransmitters are linked to feelings of pleasure, bonding, and decreased anxiety. Meaningful conversations with your partner – the kind facilitated by check-ins – can stimulate the release of these chemicals, reinforcing positive feelings within the relationship and promoting long-term satisfaction.

Relationship Check in Questions Promote Mindfulness

Relationship check-ins encourage and promote mindfulness, the practice of being fully present in the here and now. When you set aside time to truly listen and connect with your partner, you’re less likely to be distracted by past hurts or future anxieties. This mindfulness can help you identify and address issues in a more constructive way, strengthening your ability to navigate challenges together.

tips to get the most from relationship check-in questions

Preparing for Couples Check-In Questions

A bit of preparation goes a long way with relationship check-ins. Here’s how to set the stage for a productive and meaningful conversation:

  • Set a time and place: Choose a time when you’re both likely to be relaxed, focused, and free from distractions. Avoid squeezing in a check-in after a stressful day or when you’re exhausted. Designate a comfortable space where you won’t be interrupted (put those phones on silent!). You might even like to create a cozy atmosphere with candles, soft music, or a special treat.
  • Approach with the right mindset: Check-ins are most effective when viewed as an opportunity for growth and connection, not an occasion to air grievances or assign blame. Remember, you and your partner are a team working towards a shared goal: a happy, fulfilling relationship. Focus on expressing appreciation and gratitude alongside discussing areas for improvement.
  • Establish ground rules: Discuss some basic guidelines together to promote respectful, productive communication. These could include:
    • Taking turns speaking and actively listening to one another.
    • Using “I feel” statements to express feelings (“I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”).
    • Avoiding harsh criticism or defensiveness.
    • Agreeing to take breaks if the conversation gets heated.
  • Use a list of check-in questions for couples: If you’re new to check-ins, using questions can be a helpful guide. See below for a complete list.
  • Sign a relationship check-in contract: A contract adds clarity and commitment to your check-ins, creating a structured framework for the exercise. You can download my free relationship check-in contract using the button below.

To get the most out of your relationship check-ins, download our free Relationship Check-In Contract. This simple tool will help you establish clear communication guidelines and foster deeper connection with your partner.

Download the Contract

How to Use Check-In Questions for Couples

Relationship check-ins should be flexible. There’s no strict rule about which questions to use or when. However, here’s a guide to help you get the most out of them:

  • Start Slow: If you’re new to check-ins, begin with a few questions and keep your session brief (15-20 minutes). Focus mainly on appreciation and positive aspects to establish a comfortable foundation.
  • Mix and Match: Choose questions that feel relevant to your current relationship stage and dynamic. You don’t need to cover every category in every check-in.
  • Frequency Matters: Daily check-ins might benefit from lighthearted, connection-focused questions. Save deeper topics for weekly or monthly sessions.
  • Adapt Questions: Feel free to modify or rephrase questions to better fit your unique relationship.
  • Follow Up: Don’t just ask a question and move on. Actively listen to your partner’s answer and explore it together.

List of Relationship Check-In Questions

You’ll find a comprehensive list of relationship check-in questions below, divided into daily, weekly, and monthly options for a tailored experience. For easy reference, download my free Relationship Check-In Contract. It includes a printable list of all these questions and a framework to guide your check-ins.

Download the Contract

Daily Check-In Questions for Couples

Having a variety of questions to choose from each day can be incredibly helpful in creating a diverse conversation and ensuring you cover many different aspects of your connection. Here’s an expanded list, focusing on enhancing connection, fostering support, and encouraging small acts of love:

Connection & Appreciation

  • What’s one thing you loved about today that I was a part of?
  • Share a moment today when you felt proud of me.
  • Was there a point today when you felt especially close to me?
  • What’s a small but meaningful way I can show you love tomorrow?
  • If you could relive one moment from today, what would it be and why?
  • What’s your favorite way we connect, even in day-to-day moments?

Emotional Support

  • How are you feeling emotionally right now? Anything weighing on you?
  • What can I do to help you feel more relaxed this evening?
  • Was there anything that made you feel stressed or anxious today?
  • Is there anything I say or do that unintentionally adds to your stress?
  • What’s one thing I can do to support you better on a regular basis?

Fun, Playfulness & Gratitude

  • What made you laugh or smile the most today?
  • Let’s share one thing we’re grateful for in our relationship, however small.
  • Did you have any “micro-adventures” today, even just a tiny, unexpected enjoyable moment?
  • If you could design the perfect date night for us right now, what would it look like?
  • What’s something silly or fun we could do together tomorrow?

Mindfulness & Presence

  • Describe something beautiful you noticed today.
  • What’s a thought that’s been on your mind a lot lately?
  • When did you feel most present and at peace today?
  • Did you see/hear/smell anything today that sparked a fond memory for you?
  • If you could pause time, is this a moment you’d want to savor longer?

Weekly Check-In Questions for Couples

Here’s a comprehensive list of weekly check-in questions designed to go a little deeper than daily ones, focusing on reflection, communication, and logistics in the relationship:

Connection & Appreciation

  • How emotionally connected have we felt this week? What can we do to enhance that connection?
  • Share one thing you appreciate about how I showed up for you this week.
  • Was there a moment this week when you felt especially loved or supported?
  • What’s a way I can make you feel more appreciated and valued this coming week?
  • When did we have the most fun together this week?

Reflection & Assessment

  • On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our overall communication this week? Can we improve?
  • What’s one way we showed teamwork this week?
  • Are there any challenges or concerns you’d like to discuss together?
  • How are we feeling about our current work/life balance? Are any adjustments needed?
  • Are we happy with the amount of quality time we’re spending together? How can we make more?

Logistics & Practicalities

  • Did we make enough time for relaxation and recharging this week – both individually and as a couple?
  • Are we satisfied with how household responsibilities are divided?
  • Is there anything about our routines or home environment that could use a refresh?
  • Are we on track with our financial goals (budgeting, spending, saving)?
  • Are there any upcoming events, stressors, or changes we should plan for together?

Growth & Intimacy

  • What’s one thing we can do to inject more playfulness and romance next week?
  • Are we happy with our current level of intimacy (physical and emotional)?
  • Is there anything you’d like to explore or try to keep our sex life exciting? Are there any questions about sex you think we should talk about?
  • Are we making enough time to nurture our connection outside of the bedroom?
  • What’s one small change we can make in the coming week to strengthen our relationship?

Monthly Check-In Questions for Couples

Here’s a comprehensive list of monthly check-in questions designed to delve into broader goals, resolve lingering issues, and create a shared vision for the future:

Reflection & Assessment

  • On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with our relationship overall this month? Why?
  • What have been our biggest strengths as a couple this month?
  • What’s one recurring challenge we should focus on addressing in the coming month?
  • Are we supporting each other’s individual goals, dreams, and growth outside of our relationship?
  • Do you feel heard, understood, and emotionally supported overall?
  • Can we improve our conflict resolution skills for any future disagreements?

Logistics & Long-Term Planning

  • Are we making steady progress towards any shared goals (financial, travel, family, career, etc.)?
  • Are there any major life changes or decisions on the horizon that we should discuss?
  • How can we align our schedules to make more time for quality connection in the coming month?
  • Are we comfortable with the way we interact with each other’s extended families? Are there boundaries we need to discuss?
  • How are we balancing our individual needs and desires with our long-term vision as a couple?

Growth & Intimacy

  • How has our relationship evolved and changed over the past month?
  • Are there any unspoken expectations that we should discuss to avoid misunderstandings?
  • Is there anything missing in our relationship that you’d like to see more of?
  • What does a healthy, fulfilling relationship look like to you next year at this time?
  • What can we learn from challenges we’ve faced this month to strengthen our bond in the future?
  • Is there anything you’ve been hesitant to bring up or ask for that you’d like to share?

Deep Dive Questions (Choose a few for lengthier discussions)

  • If you could change one thing about our relationship dynamic, what would it be?
  • Do you feel like we truly see and accept all parts of each other?
  • Are there any past hurts or resentments that still linger and need addressing?
  • Do you feel safe and secure in our long-term commitment to each other?
  • What’s one big dream we can start actively working towards together?

Specialized Check-In Questions

Sometimes, your relationship needs focused attention on specific areas. In addition to the check-in questions below, consider using a relationship expectations worksheet to dive deeper into your individual needs and desires within the relationship. This can provide valuable context for your specialized discussions.

Written below are questions tailored to help you navigate conversations around a few more specific topics in your relationship. Note:

  • Choose questions relevant to your current situation and relationship stage.
  • Use these questions to supplement your regular check-ins, not replace them.
  • Approach these conversations with openness, non-judgment, and a focus on finding solutions together.

Conflict Resolution

  • “How can we improve our conflict resolution skills for the future?”
  • “Is there a better way we can express ourselves during disagreements to avoid misunderstandings?”
  • “Are there any lingering feelings from a past disagreement that we need to address?”

Intimacy and Sex

  • “Are you happy with the frequency and quality of our intimate moments?”
  • “How can we make our sex life more fulfilling for both of us?”
  • “Is there anything you’ve been curious about trying but hesitant to bring up?”

Long-Term Goals

  • “Are we making progress towards our shared goals (buying a home, starting a family, etc.)?”
  • “Do we need to revisit any long-term plans or adjust our timeline?”
  • “How can we ensure our individual goals and aspirations support our partnership?”

Life Changes (new baby, job change, relocation, etc.)

  • “How are we feeling about the impact of [life change] on our relationship?”
  • “Are we sharing the adjustment workload fairly? Are any adjustments needed?”
  • “What can I do to make this transition smoother for you?”

Download the Couples Check-In Contract

The Relationship Check-In Contract provides a clear framework for your check-ins and includes a comprehensive printable list of check-in questions for couples. This tool provides everything you need to create intentional, productive check-ins.

Click below to download the free Relationship Check-In Contract and start building a stronger, more connected partnership today.

Download the Contract

Final Words

Relationship check-ins questions aren’t about fixing all your problems overnight. The real magic lies in fostering open communication, creating a sense of emotional safety, and developing a shared commitment to the health of your relationship.

Here are some final takeaways:

  • Consistency is Key: Make couples check-in questions a regular habit, not a last resort. The more you practice, the easier and more productive they’ll become.
  • Flexibility Matters: Your questions and approach will evolve over time. Be responsive to the changing needs of your relationship.
  • Celebrate Growth: Acknowledge the positive shifts, no matter how small, as you practice using relationship check-in questions. It reinforces the benefits and keeps you both motivated.

Remember, a great relationship is not about the absence of problems; it’s about how you address them as a team. Check-in questions for couples can give you the tools for that ongoing journey!

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